Who designed the waiting seats without cup holders? Why so many birds? The airport cafés bake ginormous pastries because they cost less to make and sell for more. Seriously, aren’t we all a little sick of the 6 dollar bitter coffee, tiny egg McMuffin, sickeningly greasy hashbrown combo? The pastry is the way to go when the stomach calls before an early flight.
After mass-texting some of my observations on the airport during an hour and a half wait for boarding, a response came in: people who stand on escalators – lazy or patient? To which I responded: people who walk on escalators – late or find any excuse to get a good workout? I’m a walker, because I feel uneasy standing still on shifting ground… She then responded that she enjoys walking on escalators as well, but not because of uneasiness – she likes feeling “super fast with minimal effort.” This I refer to as the super-hero effect. Sometimes I walk opposite the conveyance, in order to appear to be in stagnant motion: a visual paradox.
Moving walkways: near the end of a moving walkway in the Phoenix airport, there is a sign that says “Caution: Walkway ends in 30 feet” which does not help those who are walking, because those who are walking have an inherent sense of what 30 feet may feel like while walking at a normal pace, but because speed of transit has quickened, the walker cannot discern what 30 feet away feels like. (Unless said walker is an observational physicist and can determine these factors on site) My other problem with this sign is that those observant enough to be reading the signs are probably aware enough to see the end of the walkway 30 feet in front of them.
Another sign I liked was the “Caution: Terrain will change” with a picture of a stick figure dude flailing into a nearly horizontal trip at the edge of a ramp. Not only this, but something is being hurled out of this man’s hands, which makes the sign look as if he is diving to catch it; object being a yellow ball, because a yellow ball is the stick figure of any object you can imagine a man would be holding coming off of a flight. Signs are very amusing to me.
I actually like waiting for flights because the cutest kid in the airport always seems to find me and play peek-a-boo with me until I am giddier than his/her boundless chuckling. I love when they talk to me, but always feel a little creepy when I respond. It’s hard to talk to kids 3 and under when their parents are around; the instinct is talk to the kid like he’s a kid, because he is one – but competence in proper public etiquette suggests that you should act like an adult, because you are one. It’s like the whole devil/angel on opposite shoulders, except there’s the child-inside on your left shoulder and the ready-to-be-disappointed-mother on the right. My solution is to fall somewhere in between the two: I respond with terse responses and show my Pan side through facial expressions – most useful countenance is the smile. Kids love smiling adults because most adults don’t really smile unless they are laughing at John Stewart (or Rush Limbaugh, whatever you’re into…)
Kids are weird and cool because they haven’t yet learned how to be unhappy. Sure, they cry, scream, whine every once in a half-the-time, but at least they let themselves dive into the emotion, not mask it.
As for the plane, how many screws do you think they use on just one wing? I counted one square foot panel and came up with 28.
If you haven’t flown over the Colorado Rockies, Denver to anywhere-south-of-Denver is your best route. Unbelievable.
While waiting for the bathroom on the plane, I spotted something a bit awkward to me: Deja Blue. It is purified water in a can – an aluminum can! Call me crazy, but I feel aluminum cans are conducive to soda because of the metallic aftertaste, which parallels the bitter flavor that accompanies carbonated beverage consummation. However, water does not need this tinny addition to its flavoring, however subtle it may be. The can was blue and the name was somewhat clever, but I think it was better left to be bottled in a cerulean plastic container.
I read an article on the plane in Southwest Airlines ‘zine called Spirit. The writing was exceptionally funny and subtly poetic, and the subject was, what most people consider, somewhat purposeless: clapping. I thought it was an insightful depiction on the direction of humanity. The article was called “Clap in Public” by Steve Almond. I’m going to check out his book “Not That You Asked” when I get to Bookman’s in Tucson. Other books I plan on purchasing: Sleeping with the Dictionary by Harriette Mullen, and Eunoia by Christian Bök.
That’s it for this trip – oh if only I could get paid to write about nothing for airplane magazines. I would title my first article: “Why so many birds?” and do an anthropological study on why birds nest in airports and what the affects are on travelers’ level of happiness.
