Slept out on the porch
the bedroom, his radiating body heat, too hot
so I snatched up pillow, pants, long brown blanket
and Linus van Pelt-ed out to the porch
* * *
the stars crowded with clouds
and Canyon Blvd teeming with whizzing cars
the mountains squirreled away
but the air, unblemished
a breeze so slight, the trees barely sway,
I lay across the two ottomans accompanying
our odd sofa seats and fling
my left leg up over the armrest
* * *
Woven into chestnut cotton
snarled up like an entangled scorpion
I slept pleasantly under the semi-starless sky
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1 comment:
was the sky starless or were the stars crowded with clouds?
i dig sleeping outside myself, and its as good a thing as any to write about, but i would avoid discrepancies that muddy your intention.
in other words, i feel like your intention is not to confuse anyone about the presence/absence of stars, but simply to express that you could not see the stars.
i'd do it right out in the open. say that you fell asleep under a "cloudy" sky. it wasn't starless, it was cloudy. if you do it that way, then your original sentence about the "stars being crowded by clouds" can still work because you leave room for them within the cloudy sky. if you say "starless" then its tough to talk about them earlier in the poem.
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