The things we come across...

While researching far and wide across the vast internet for a job or grant or fellowship or future for myself, I wonderfully stumbled upon this FREE ad on craigslist:



Free: comfortable, sturdy, but ugly couch/sofabed

Reply to: sale-490507887@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-26, 7:28PM MST


Yours simply for the labor of hauling it away, one very comfortable and sturdy sofa, expands to a double bed for those too-many-friends-suddenly-comatose occasions. When not extended into bed form, highly suitable for many an afternoon whiled away with books and/or audiovisual entertainment, not to mention a favored location for lazy-Sunday naps. Due almost entirely to the aforementioned comfort factor, this was one of the few furniture pieces that we decided was worth hauling across the country when we moved here from Massachusetts in 2004, despite its aesthetic shortcomings (see below) and possible alternate usage as battleship ballast.

Only hitch: according to a local expert (full disclosure: said expert is related to me by marriage) the upholstery on this couch, while admittedly robust and in generally good shape without stains or much wear, is certifiably "BUTT-ugly!" (emphasis hers) to such a degree that the camera may have suffered an electronic aneurism when a photograph was attempted with the pattern completely exposed. (I have not yet looked up the resultant error code on Canon's site, but I am assured by the aforementioned expert that "CF card full" is an arcane digital-imagery message that really means "That is such a butt-ugly couch that I refuse to sully my CCD sensors or display panel with its image.") Luckily we'd managed several other pictures by that point with the butt-ugliness only partially exposed; see attached.

In consideration of the opprobrium you will likely face when you present it to YOUR discerning housemate(s), spouse, or significant other, perhaps even while uttering something like the following perfectly understandable but in retrospect somewhat ill-chosen words:

"Look what a great couch I found for practically nothing!"

...in consideration and mitigation of that awkward moment, I say, for the paltry sum of $20 I am also willing to part with the patented Butt-Ugliness Concealment Device (BUCD, a.k.a. "slipcover") with which the couch is currently equipped, depicted in the attached images. This particular BUCD is constructed of heavy-duty chenille in a sage-green color. (The prospective purchaser with delusions of aesthetic sufficiency may be interested to know for purposes of comparison that the print visible above the couch in the attached images is of Stephen Linhart's "Gaze", http://www.stephen.com/portfolio/9.html)

Not included: the mysterious BUCD accessories visible in some pictures. These sinister objects are sometimes referred to as "throw pillows;" this confusing nomenclature persists despite the cries of horrified consternation that inevitably result if one is so incautious as to contemplate actual throwing. Their true purpose remains steadfastly unknown to this researcher.


Couch dimensions:
width: 70" at widest point (arm to arm)
depth: 36" (90" in bed-mode)
height: 30" at middle of backrest (highest point.)
weight: unmeasured but significant. Bring a friend or three.

Provenance and, ah, pet peeves: couch was previously owned by a family with dogs. We steam-cleaned it repeatedly after acquiring it, and no trace of doggy odor or hair remains apparent to our senses, but persons with allergies may wish to take this history into account. In much the same vein, full disclosure demands mention of the fact that we are possessed by two cats who regularly avail themselves of the sofa's previously-noted afternoon-nap advantages; while they are not inclined to shed more than your average indoor feline -- and while we often vacuum and occasionally launder the BUCD -- persons with especial sensitivity may not be interested in taking the chance.

Note: Butt-Ugliness Concealment Device ("slipcover") does not function with 100% efficacy when item is configured in bed-mode; some Butt-Ugliness may be apparent to the perspicacious observer and/or your snooty parent-in-law who does not consider thrift to be a virtue and was looking for a reason to sniff disapprovingly anyway. On no account will the poster be held liable for incidental damages arising from failure of the BUC Device to prevent thinly-veiled speculations as to the purchaser's design sense, color sense, sanity, intelligence, or lack of any/all of the preceding.